is it just me? or is it you. [PART ONE]

i'm bound to offend someone by this post.

offense is not always a bad thing.

first, let me say that i'm not judging individuals here. a movement? maybe. i'm not trying to be rude... just honest about some frustrations that i have.

i know that we are in ministry "full time" just by existing, but this summer i have been in "full time ministry" like never before. i started on june 2nd in oklahoma, teaching an hour long show to non-dancers/movers/actors and special-guesting at a music conservatory for two weeks. as i left that sunday, i got a call from my agent and booked my cmt gig. two full days of choreography and work. then headed to atl to teach a very "emotionless" team of dancers material for their summer (ironically, isn't it always the groups that can't show emotion that have the most emotional things going on?) for another two weeks. and then the commute from hell started. monday through thursday i have the amazing opportunity to be at a camp in indiana and then friday through sunday i meet my atl team wherever they are in georgia.

full. time. ministry.

there have been so many times this summer where i have stepped back and gone "man, is our faith genuine? is it real? or is it just fueled by this culture that we partake in?"

example number one:

my atl mission team is staying in a building that has other teams rotating in and out of it every week. there is a lady on staff who cooks lunch and dinner for both teams. as one of the transient teams was leaving, they decided to give her a card and a vase with two roses in it. her response to the gift? "this is a blessing in disguise." what? umm, i'm pretty sure that when someone gives you a card and two roses, it's a blessing... no disguise there. it's actually the most blatant blessing someone could give you. now that i think of it, they actually said, "we just want to bless you." but it made me think about this lady and the christian culture she is apart of. the more i thought of it, the more i realized that i hear people say "this is a blessing in disguise" so often, when the blessing isn't in hiding at all. it's just some christian jargon that we think sounds deeper than just saying "thanks for the blessing" or "thanks for the gift". when she said it, i could hear her auntie or granny saying the same thing and i thought, "man, how many of us are just living out our parents faith?" i'm not judging this woman. she is sweet and from what i know of her, she seems like a strong woman of God. but her comment made my wheels start spinning.

example number two:

here in indiana, the kids are obsessed with being in the front for praise and worship. the doors to the barn-turned-sanctuary open and it's a crazy mosh-pit-tackle-somebody-to-the-ground-and-let-them-know-what's-really-up race to the front. when worship starts, it looks like a battle sequence from braveheart as they all run to the front of the stage... like it's '89 and NKOTB was about to hang tuff on stage. then we come out a half hour later for our little thing and they sit there. blinking. arms crossed. now, i'm not being arrogant, but our stuff is good. i'd ask questions from the stage. [cricket] [cricket] [blink] [cricket] later on in the week i taught a workshop about worship, what it is and what it is not. and i asked the kids, "why do you run down to the front of the stage like that? is it because it's like a concert? or is it because you are excited about worship?" their honest response, "i guess because it's like a concert." my heart sank. i believe in the power of aesthetics in worship and ministry; but we need to be more than entertainment. i need to be more than entertainment. i tried explaining that true worship has nothing to do with "what we get out of it". we worship God because he is deserving of it, wether we feel like it or not. wether we "feel God" or not. we started talking about the "feeling of the Holy Spirit". and as i guided the conversation, i asked them some tough questions like, "how mnay of you have ever said, "worship wasn't that great?" they all raised their hands. "what did you base that on?" i asked. "how good i feel". hold the presses. hold. the. presses. shame on us for being a generation that gauge how "good" God is or how "nice" our worship experience is by what we get out of it. now, i'm not saying we shouldn't get anything out of worship, but that can't be our motivation for it. in my opinion, the "feeling" is just icing on the cake. we need to worship simply because God is deserving of it. let me be honest and say that i have "felt" just as good as i do in worship sometimes at an amazing concert or at a new year's eve event. we are wired and designed in a way for things to affect us. so, if i'm gauging my worship experiences this way, then i'm sure i would have had an incredible worship experience at britney spear's concert had i been able to go. worship isn't about how we feel or even what we get out of it. what we get out of it is the ability to praise God. period. these are kids that, for some of them, are in love with the culture of christianity... not Christ. more on this later.

example number three:

week two in indiana. monday night. liz and i dance to a piece that was requested by the staff here. it's a lyrical piece to "storm" by lifehouse (the slowest song in the world). on monday nights they serve communion here and as the groups were split up and praying, "jimmy" came over to me. "when i saw you standing on that chair, i realized that God is looking at me. wishing i were his. i have been in and out of rehab for the last few months. just graduated high school. [more conversation] ... i was wondering if you would come to the front with me and help me commit my life to Jesus Christ." an honor. we walked down the aisle together to join the throng of people already spread out and praying on the steps of the stage. i started praying for him and after quite some time and coaxing, was finally able to get him to pray for himself. he was scared to speak, but i wanted him to be the one that prayed for his salvation, not me. after a while, he was able/comfortable/willing to open his mouth and pray. he didn't know how to pray, but he was genuine. as he was getting ready to ask Christ into his heart, two people ran up on us and kept hitting his knee. it was his youth pastors. "jimmy, the body of Christ." what?! now, my feelings on religious sacrament practice aside, this was the first time in this kids life that he was going to be honest with God, have a true relational experience with him... and you bust up on his acceptance prayer and shove/force the body of Christ down his throat? he wasn't even officially a christian yet. it was the most blatant offense that i have ever seen of religion smothering relationship. after the pastors left, three girls from his youth group came over to us. plopped down (literally) with a smile next to him and put their arms around them like this was "emotion camp". jimmy told me that he would find me later. he was too embarrassed to keep praying in front of these people. i honored his request, but got so frustrated at those three girls. and the pastors. commitment time is not a time for you to be an emotional 16 year old girl about everything. emotions have their place, but i get discouraged when i see everyone hugging and raping everyone with their emotions. it becomes a cancer and turns into a new-age-therapy-session instead of a true, honest, genuine meeting with Jesus Christ.

i could go on and on. it makes me think about the state of our faith right now. if i see another "free hugs" or "will starve for food" shirt, i may go insane. it seems to me like we are caught up in the concept of being "fools for Christ" with Christ nowhere in the picture. and i think, okay, if a group of goth kids had found you first, would you just be this radical about being goth? is it really about a relationship with Christ and an experience with the Holy Spirit? or have you found your niche in being that "weirdo christian"? i wasn't a "weirdo christian" in high school, but i definitely found my identity in it. my faith was genuine, but it was almost like a badge of honor that i wore with pride when someone would say, "oh ya, he's a crazy christian." i wasn't proud because i was modeling Christ or his behavior, i was proud because i was being noticed and i was unique. and i would justify myself with the "fool for Christ" scripture. "i am going to be an outcast, but that's fine." this scripture obviously justifies me acting like an idiot.

but i'm worried. i'm worried about a generation of christians that are being brought up on the best, wittiest, relevant media. is it too entertaining? this is something that was tackled at the youth specialties conference i attended in both pittsburgh and nashville. one youth leaders that spoke (he put a guitar in chris tomlin or matt redmans hands or something) said he had to realize that he was just trying to offer the best hangout spot for kids, but was left with only surface stuff. when the money ran out or when the food was gone; so were the kids. and i'll expand on that, if i can. is our entertainment value so great that when it fades away, so does our faith?

these are kids that can quote every tobymac song, but can't recite me a scripture besides John 3:16 and Philippians 4:13. what is REALLY written on our hearts? this "free hug" t-shirt mentality is making me crazy. is your faith defined by tobymac and "free hugs" or is it defined by Jesus Christ?

i got on stage the other day and with everything inside of me, all the passion i could muster, spoke the words of Isaiah 58... the foundational scripture for any type of justice movement. free-hug-shirt-kid and the throng of 400 stared back at me blankly. blinks. blinks. crickets. blinks. what? see, the Holy Spirit is inside of me. and the Holy Spirit is connected with these scriptures, so even if I'm "not in the mood", the Holy Spirit IS. wether i like it or not, something in me stirs that forces me to react... to respond... not just with my heart or my plans; but with my body. with my words. with my spirit. it made me think about when we are instructed to worship in "spirit and in truth". i feel like a lot of us have the "truth" thing down... we get it, we know what the truth is. it's that whole worshipping in spirit thing that gets us tripped up.

later on in worship, everyone started going all "who-ville" on me and were arm to shoulder, rocking back and forth like they were around a suessical pine. smiling and crying and rubbing hands. now, i believe in emotions. we were wired and designed to have them and they play their part in our worship/repentance/grace experience, but i thought in that moment, "this is so weird. this is new age. am i a christian? is this what christianity is? because i'm not this. am i the only one here that gets it? or am i the only one not getting it."

it lead me to the question.

is it just me? or is it you.

(to be continued...)

back from vacation.

blog vacation. maybe two years was enough. all my friends are blogging now; and blogging seems almost old school enough that, to me, it's sort of a throwback to write one. i'm all about throwbacks. i love when basketball teams put on old jersey's. so i've dusted mine off. [pick up your glass] cheers to blogs that are too long, with no capitalization (except when referencing The Big Guy), too many emotions, and a whole lot of these things "...".

where to even start? i think that's been my challenge. so much has gone on in my life and my emotions that i honestly have sat down and tried to blog, but i end up with a long rant... that several people challenge me to "not post" for the sake of politics, friendships or world peace. that's my biggest issue. honesty.

let's talk about my weight gain. i have never had a gut. i have never had rolls. i have never felt myself shake when running or dancing. these days have passed. when i started feeling my boobs shake, i said to myself, "self. let's get it together. go on atkins. fast. something." i refuse to be fat. not only for the sake of my pride, but also my career. noone wants to watch a fat dancer unless they are on a reality show about fat dancers. and noone wants to see Jesus (portrayed by moi) getting thrown 15 feet in the air with a gut hanging out and jiggling. since i can now gently put my hands under my belly button and push up and have a ripple effect of blob up to my boobs... it's time to do something. now listen, don't comment on here like "bobby, you are not fat. blah blah blah." i know in terms of america's obesity, i'm not fat. but i'm fat for me. so let me be fat and i'll work on it. how am i going to work on it you ask?

i'm backpacking around europe. not as we speak. but soon. august/september/october. around then. losing weight will be so easy whilst carrying a massive backpack around gypsy towns and barely having enough money to eat because the dollar is crap right now. i'm really going. i'm about to be 25 and i haven't achieved nearly the amount of things that i would have liked to by this point. do i have the money? i don't know. but i know that it's now or never. and what good is money if i just hold on to it? i'm all about being frugal and i love dave ramsey, but i have to do this. not to find myself... but maybe i will in the process. find a little more of me. i need a creative break. i need to see the world from The Big Guy's perspective more. i need to be inspired. and what better place to be inspired than europe? the art. the food. the people. it was honestly a toss up between europe and africa because dancing around a fire with a tribe in africa is my ultimate dream. but for right now, europe seems easier to negotiate and travel through. so i'm going. and i hope it changes me. and i hope you give me some money so i can survive.

i made my record this year. i keep calling it a "glamorized demo", but it's my record. it's not the best. it's not my whole vision. it doesn't completely represent me as an artist. it's not perfect. but it's mine. i probably paid too much for it. but it's mine. i have too many talented friends who are sitting on their booty's wondering why they don't have careers. and i have the most talented friends. and the same people who are sitting there look at me and say "you paid how much?" or "well, this isn't great"... and i say, "ya, but i did it." for what it is and for doing it ALL. ON. MY. OWN. it's incredible. it means so much to me that i saw something; err... heard something... and did it. and did it well. i don't know how i paid for it, but it's sitting in front of me right now. there have been 3 moments in my life where i have been really proud of myself. the day my CD's arrived was one of them. because i did this on my own. i had great help from some incredibly talented friends, but it felt good to theoretically wipe the sweat from my brow that day. my work was done. it feels so good to dream. it feels indescribable to work and see your dream complete. and my dream isn't completely complete. but a part of it is. and i am continually saying to myself "bobby, you can sing." i'm reminded everytime i hear an original of a song i covered and i still like my vocal more. or when people hear a toby or justin song during an uprock show and people think it's me (it's happened more than once). this isn't an arrogance thing... this is a self esteem thing. for so long (and still right now, if i'm being honest) i haven't felt good enough. when you are around people like lisa, juan and missi and then try to tell people you want to be a singer... how do you not laugh at yourself. i only chuckle on the inside now. walking in the shoes The Big Guy designed for me is fulfilling. and awesome.

speaking of. The Big Guy is making huge plans. and i can see a little piece of it. everyone keeps asking me when "revolution" is going on the road. and it's not. it can't. the legalities are too incredibly complicated and expensive. but i'm pregnant. with something. big. and different. something international. something fusing artists from all mediums into an experience that is truly and completely new, innovative, God-honoring, life changing. something that moves you. something that slaps you in the face. a place. a place to cry, to laugh, to truly worship with the boundaries and rules of our culture and social standards stripped away. [laugh with me] this sounds so deep. and i'm not that deep. i always say that, "it's not that deep". but i know something huge is about to happen and i don't know where, when, how or with who... but i'm ready.

there are so many things that i want to comment on, but maybe i'll try to update day by day and gently usher you back into the crazy place that is my brain.

back to work.