back from vacation.

blog vacation. maybe two years was enough. all my friends are blogging now; and blogging seems almost old school enough that, to me, it's sort of a throwback to write one. i'm all about throwbacks. i love when basketball teams put on old jersey's. so i've dusted mine off. [pick up your glass] cheers to blogs that are too long, with no capitalization (except when referencing The Big Guy), too many emotions, and a whole lot of these things "...".

where to even start? i think that's been my challenge. so much has gone on in my life and my emotions that i honestly have sat down and tried to blog, but i end up with a long rant... that several people challenge me to "not post" for the sake of politics, friendships or world peace. that's my biggest issue. honesty.

let's talk about my weight gain. i have never had a gut. i have never had rolls. i have never felt myself shake when running or dancing. these days have passed. when i started feeling my boobs shake, i said to myself, "self. let's get it together. go on atkins. fast. something." i refuse to be fat. not only for the sake of my pride, but also my career. noone wants to watch a fat dancer unless they are on a reality show about fat dancers. and noone wants to see Jesus (portrayed by moi) getting thrown 15 feet in the air with a gut hanging out and jiggling. since i can now gently put my hands under my belly button and push up and have a ripple effect of blob up to my boobs... it's time to do something. now listen, don't comment on here like "bobby, you are not fat. blah blah blah." i know in terms of america's obesity, i'm not fat. but i'm fat for me. so let me be fat and i'll work on it. how am i going to work on it you ask?

i'm backpacking around europe. not as we speak. but soon. august/september/october. around then. losing weight will be so easy whilst carrying a massive backpack around gypsy towns and barely having enough money to eat because the dollar is crap right now. i'm really going. i'm about to be 25 and i haven't achieved nearly the amount of things that i would have liked to by this point. do i have the money? i don't know. but i know that it's now or never. and what good is money if i just hold on to it? i'm all about being frugal and i love dave ramsey, but i have to do this. not to find myself... but maybe i will in the process. find a little more of me. i need a creative break. i need to see the world from The Big Guy's perspective more. i need to be inspired. and what better place to be inspired than europe? the art. the food. the people. it was honestly a toss up between europe and africa because dancing around a fire with a tribe in africa is my ultimate dream. but for right now, europe seems easier to negotiate and travel through. so i'm going. and i hope it changes me. and i hope you give me some money so i can survive.

i made my record this year. i keep calling it a "glamorized demo", but it's my record. it's not the best. it's not my whole vision. it doesn't completely represent me as an artist. it's not perfect. but it's mine. i probably paid too much for it. but it's mine. i have too many talented friends who are sitting on their booty's wondering why they don't have careers. and i have the most talented friends. and the same people who are sitting there look at me and say "you paid how much?" or "well, this isn't great"... and i say, "ya, but i did it." for what it is and for doing it ALL. ON. MY. OWN. it's incredible. it means so much to me that i saw something; err... heard something... and did it. and did it well. i don't know how i paid for it, but it's sitting in front of me right now. there have been 3 moments in my life where i have been really proud of myself. the day my CD's arrived was one of them. because i did this on my own. i had great help from some incredibly talented friends, but it felt good to theoretically wipe the sweat from my brow that day. my work was done. it feels so good to dream. it feels indescribable to work and see your dream complete. and my dream isn't completely complete. but a part of it is. and i am continually saying to myself "bobby, you can sing." i'm reminded everytime i hear an original of a song i covered and i still like my vocal more. or when people hear a toby or justin song during an uprock show and people think it's me (it's happened more than once). this isn't an arrogance thing... this is a self esteem thing. for so long (and still right now, if i'm being honest) i haven't felt good enough. when you are around people like lisa, juan and missi and then try to tell people you want to be a singer... how do you not laugh at yourself. i only chuckle on the inside now. walking in the shoes The Big Guy designed for me is fulfilling. and awesome.

speaking of. The Big Guy is making huge plans. and i can see a little piece of it. everyone keeps asking me when "revolution" is going on the road. and it's not. it can't. the legalities are too incredibly complicated and expensive. but i'm pregnant. with something. big. and different. something international. something fusing artists from all mediums into an experience that is truly and completely new, innovative, God-honoring, life changing. something that moves you. something that slaps you in the face. a place. a place to cry, to laugh, to truly worship with the boundaries and rules of our culture and social standards stripped away. [laugh with me] this sounds so deep. and i'm not that deep. i always say that, "it's not that deep". but i know something huge is about to happen and i don't know where, when, how or with who... but i'm ready.

there are so many things that i want to comment on, but maybe i'll try to update day by day and gently usher you back into the crazy place that is my brain.

back to work.